


Bittersweet Feelings

by AerofBreath



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Give Michael Mell a hug, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Indulgent, There's a lot of things probably unexplained, but that's the whole point of the fic, how do you tag, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-07 01:51:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15898488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AerofBreath/pseuds/AerofBreath
Summary: Michael was a silent crier. There wasn't much he could do about how he felt, but he's grateful that Jeremy is there to help him, even if he is the reason why he's panicking in the first place.orI don't know how to make summaries.





	Bittersweet Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first works for this fandom. I already have a few other BMC Fic ideas, but this one was the shortest fic I have that was pulled out of my ass at 4 in the morning.
> 
> There really isn't a happy ending for this fic nor is there a bad ending. Just Michael Mell dealing with feelings.
> 
> If you do like it, tell me! I wanna know if it's close to their characters as possible! It would really be great if you did. And sorry for any possible grammar errors. Again, this was pulled out of my ass at 4 am.

Michael Mell was a silent crier. Whenever his feelings get the best of him, silent tears stream down his face as he takes long and deeps breaths, giving the false idea of breathing normally. Sometimes, there would be a choked sob out there, but that's only if things get too much and he's just a hair away from losing it. The only time where it got to that point and worse was Halloween in junior year. That day ended up in choked sobs that lead to gross coughing as he hyperventilated. There was never a time where he actually decided to calm down that night. It only ended abruptly when he had to run home the moment he saw flames flicker just outside the bathroom.   
  
But, that was a year ago.   
  
Now, Michael is in his senior year and ironically enough, it's Halloween. Michael, after the events of the Fire, had grown to hate Halloween which really sucked since it was the day he would embrace the fact that he isn't special. Since then, he can't help but feel like it's just a day to remember that he isn't anyone special. That he'll always be a loser with a friend who scampered off to hang out with newer and cooler friends.   
  
Michael never really blamed Jeremy, even if he should. He did forgive him, but that didn't mean that he'll forget it. Sue him if he doesn't admit the fact that he may have grown a bit of dependency issues. Every time he would see Jeremy hanging out with Rich or Jake or even Chloe, Michael can't help but feel nervous, like what if Jeremy doesn't come back? What if Jeremy leaves him again for the popular kids?   
  
Don't get him wrong, Jeremy always invited Michael out to hang with the rest of the group, but he would always decline. Something about how he doesn't really fit in or that they weren't his type of clique.   
  
Jeremy understood, but still felt bad. He was worried about Michael whenever he'd leave the other alone considering what happened last Halloween. Every time he'd go out, he just felt worried, but Michael reassures him that it's fine.   
  
It really was, Michael believed. Just because Jeremy had cool friends doesn't mean that Michael could too. That's what the internet was for! Making new friends! Sure, they were all from places that weren't a five minute walk away- Heck, he's got a pal in Canada! How the hell is he supposed to give his friend a hug if it'll take him a few hour drive to get there? Michael would rather not make the effort but just send the friend stickers of cute, colorful bears hugging each other.   
  
It was the close equivalent to someone getting a hug.   
  
Michael sighed, looking at the small window just at the top of the wall, showing the dark sky of the night. Who was he kidding? As much as he loves all of his internet friends, he still wanted a friend that he can actually touch. Sure, he could do that once they arrange a date so they can all meet, but he needs a friend who can give him that at a moment's notice. And now is one of those moments.   
  
Jeremy was out again with his friends. Christine held a cast party for the musical that their school was holding. Sure, the show isn't for another few months and sure, cast parties aren't really a thing until before or after the shows, but Christine really wanted to throw something so that she can be seen as 'cool' or 'hip'.   
  
It was funny that Christine would be the one to hold a party, because the moment Jeremy found out about it, it was all he would talk about.   
  
"I wonder what she'll do." or   
  
"Maybe she'll allow drinks." or even   
  
"She's a bit too innocent to throw a party. I think someone should be there to supervise."   
  
Michael frowned and just told him that he should go. Jeremy put up a small fight knowing when it would be, but gave in and went anyway, leaving Michael where he was right now.   
  
Michael sat in his bedroom down in the basement, the moonlight somehow finding their way into the dark room through the high window. The glow in the dark stars littered on his ceiling gave it a more cooler feel to it which managed to calm Michael's racing mind for just a moment.   
  
He felt… conflicted.   
  
Conflicted on how he should feel to be exact.   
  
There was nothing to feel yet he felt everything and it was overwhelming. He looked back down from the window to his bed, his glasses just folded in front of him. Not that he could see it. Everything was too blurry. Mixing the tears into the feeling, it was nearly impossible to see.   
  
He sighed as he let the tears fall from his face, his sheets dampening slightly because of them.   
  
He knew he shouldn't feel like this. He knew that he shouldn't feel so scared about being left alone. In fact, he usually prefers it. He likes the feeling of being alone, but apparently not at this moment. There was nothing he could do about it which made it worse for him.   
  
Michael stared at the sheets in front of him, his mind jumping from one thought to another. Everything felt too much and too little at the same time and Michael hated it so much, his wrists stinging as something else mixed with the wetness of the tears. He frowned and wiped it off on the sweater he was wearing, continuing the motion until he's sure that it won't bleed even more.   
  
He knew he should wash it off, but he didn't have the heart to. He only stared at it as he knew that doing what he'd done would just make everything worse.   
  
"Michael?"   
  
And it had.   
  
Michael jumped slightly at the sound, putting his hands down as he covered himself with the blanket he had been sitting on. It seems that Jeremy came back from the party.   
  
Michael feigned enthusiasm, "In here. How was the party?" His voice sounded forced. It was like he was congested, just on the verge of being sick.   
  
Jeremy sighed, making his way over to the bed in the dark, "It was okay. Rich snuck in some beers to the party and then Christine kicked us all out so that she can sober up Rich before kicking him out too. I almost had to walk home."   
  
"Why didn't you call me? I could've picked you up," Michael frowned, not meeting Jeremy's gaze. He knew he wouldn't last for long with Jeremy being this close to him. He's almost sure that he heard the shakiness in his tone.   
  
"I did. A few times, really. You didn't pick up. I had to get a ride here with Jake. Are you okay?"   
  
Michael glanced over at the other, somehow seeing the concerned look in his eyes in the dark. The moonlight hitting the top of Jeremy's head, but he could still see the worry in his ryes. He shrugged, "Yeah. Kinda. Why do you ask?"   
  
"You didn't pick up your phone the times I called-"   
  
"I might have accidentally silenced my phone-"   
  
"Plus you're crying."   
  
"Damn. That obvious?" Michael sighed, reaching up his arm to wipe away the tears off his face. "Sorry. It's just been a day."   
  
Jeremy frowned, trying to watch Michael in the dark room. It was really difficult to do so. "Wanna talk about it?"   
  
"It's nothing too big, I swear," Michael lied, giving Jeremy a tired smile. "Just that the brain wants to be a bitch right now."   
  
"What is it saying?" Jeremy responded back, scooting closer to Michael.   
  
The boy sighed once again, looking down at his wrists. It seems that Jeremy hasn't noticed yet, which makes sense. There's only so much he can see with the limited light they were given. Michael was hesitant to say it too. They've already talked about it before and while Michael did forgive Jeremy, he still can't help but feel hurt. But, he said it anyway, "Loser."   
  
Jeremy seemed to catch on and frowned, a sullen look on his face as he carefully brought Michael in for a hug. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, Michael still looking down, tears falling once again.   
  
"I know you are," Michael responded, his arms snaking up to just grip on Jeremy's shoulders, "I just can't help but think it," he finished, his voice barely above a whisper.   
  
"I know," Jeremy shushed Michael, a hand moving to be gently placed in Michael's hair, bringing his head down to his chest while his free arm was on his back, just holding him close, "It was a shit time and I'm still sorry that it happened."   
  
"I know," Michael echoed, letting out a shaky breath. "I know. Can we just- I don't know. I'm sorry- I just-" Michael sighed, hiding his face on Jeremy's chest, the striped shirt that Jeremy wore soaking up the tears that escaped Michael's eyes. "Just hold me. Please." That last word was barely above a whisper that Jeremy almost didn't hear. Almost.   
  
"Okay," Jeremy complied, looking down at Michael from the side. He knew that Michael couldn't help but feel like this whenever he's left alone. He knows he should try better, but he just doesn't know where to start. But maybe now, maybe now he can try.   
  
"I'm not going anywhere."   



End file.
